10 Tips To Cope With Feeling Guilty
Guilt and shame can be very powerful and damaging emotions, especially when they occur intensely and persistently. In my last blog I discussed some of the reasons these emotions appear. In this blog I will cover ten tips on how to reduce or stop these feelings, specifically when they are persistent and unwarranted.
Look for the evidence: Sometimes we can over think a situation to the point that we are convinced that we have done something terrible. In these situations it is important to look for the evidence as to why this is true. For example, having a conversation with the person you believe you have done wrong by or finding out what the exact implications that your actions have had. Sometimes they aren’t as bad as you perceived them to be.
Reverse the role: So you’ve done something you perceive to be awful to a friend, family member or acquaintance and you’re left feeling terrible at the anguish you have caused them … but have you really? In these situations it is often useful to ‘reverse the role’, put yourself in their position and try to see your actions as if someone had done them to you. This can help you find out whether your feelings of guilt really are warranted or purely a result of your predisposition to these feelings.
Give a ‘friend’ advice: This tip involves gaining a new perspective. Imagine that a friend had done what you had and was coming to you for advice … what would you tell them? This tip is a useful way to gain an objective standpoint on the issue at hand and determine whether it really is as ‘bad’ as you perceive it to be.
Address the issue: Okay so you’re feeling guilty about something you’ve done … now what? Sometimes we can get so engrossed by these feelings of guilt and shame that we forget to address the actual situation that has elicited these feelings. Take some time to focus purely on the issue at hand and decide what (if anything) can reasonably be done to amend the situation.
Keep a journal: If guilt and shame are emotions that commonly seem to arise, there may be some hidden reasons as to why these feelings seem to pop up. Keeping a journal outlining the date, time, reasons, feelings and thoughts around these occurrences may help to uncover some similarities that might explain the underlying reasons for these feelings.
Say no: Learn to say no when you want to say no. Sometimes we can get so caught up in giving and giving that whenever we are unable to give we are left with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Put some boundaries on what you are and aren’t willing to do for others and break the cycle of endless giving.
Get someone else’s perspective: Similar to the ‘give advice to a friend’ tip it is often useful to speak to someone you know will be honest with you and get an outsiders perspective on the situation. They will often provide you with a perspective you perhaps hadn’t considered yet yourself; you may even realize you were being harder on yourself than you should have been.
Practice self-compassion: It’s easy for us to spot what we do wrong and get hung up on that but we often don’t give ourselves much credit for the things we do right. Take some time to think about or even write down your good qualities or things you’ve recently done that you are proud of whenever you have feelings of guilt or shame.
Realise what is and isn’t in your control: Sometimes we simply feel bad about things that are out of our control. Sometimes we feel bad because we wish there was something we could do or perhaps something actually has happened but you’ve done everything you can already to amend the situation. In these situations it is important to realise what you can and cannot change and that there is no reason to continue worrying about things that are out of your control.
Engage in talk therapies: Feelings of guilt and shame are often symptoms of other mental illnesses including depression and a number of anxiety disorders. These feelings can really take a toll on your mental health however there are a range of therapies available to address these feelings including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and person centred counselling.