Gaslighting: What Is It And What Are The Signs It Is Happening To You?
Relationships can be tricky. Whether it’s with your significant other, a family member or a friend, arguments and conflict are bound to turn up at some point or another. However, there is a big difference between disputes in healthy relationships and disputes in relationships involving gaslighting. So what is gaslighting, and what does it look like? The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 play which was later made into a film called ‘Gaslight’. The story features a cruel and vindictive husband who in an attempt to conceal his true identity and murderous actions from his wife, tries to convince her that she is going crazy. Part of his efforts include playing with the gas powered light so that they flicker and convincing his wife that she is imagining this to make her feel as if she is going crazy.Gaslighting therefore is a term used to refer to a form of psychological manipulation in which a person aims to make a person, or a group of people, question their memory, perception and ultimately their sanity. Anyone can fall victim to gaslighting as it is often a slow and insidious process, regularly leaving people feeling trapped, drained and depressed. Gaslighting can take many forms, below are ten common signs of gaslighting in relationships.
Lying about facts: You know you had made dinner plans for 8pm, you’d written it down in your diary and everything however your partner claims that they never agreed to this. Lying, forgetting and denying facts that you know to be true are common behaviours exhibited by gaslighters.
You feel as if you are walking on eggshells: Gaslighters can become triggered by the smallest events or utterances. Victims often feel unsure of what to say or afraid to say anything just in case this might set the other person off. This can be a very taxing experience, often leaving people feeling drained and anxious.
Claiming things are normal: Gaslighters will often claim that behaviours which you find uncomfortable about them are normal. For example, you might try to confront them about their name calling, constant arguments or other behaviours that make you feel uneasy and in turn they may tell you that this is normal in relationships and that you are being overly pedantic.
Make you question/second guess yourself: When you are constantly being put down, told that you are paranoid or convinced that you are making things up, eventually you begin to question whether this is really true of yourself. Often victims of gaslighting reach a point in which they start to internalise what the gaslighter has been feeding them and begin questioning their perceptions, decisions and sense of self.
Use your fears or insecurities against you: Gaslighters will often pick up on your vulnerabilities and use them to make you feel insecure and lesser than them. If you are insecure about your appearance for example, they may point out others who are better looking than you in their opinion.
Tell you you’re crazy/paranoid/making things up: Questioning gaslighters about their manipulative behaviours will often lead to a response along the lines of “you’re being so paranoid” “you’re crazy” or “you’re lying”. While sometimes gaslighters may be unaware of what they are doing, in other instances it is consciously done.
Projection: The gaslighter themselves is a cheater or an alcoholic yet they are accusing you of these things instead. Gaslighters often tend to project their own problems onto their victim, leaving the victim not only defending themselves against actions which they have never taken but also distracted from the gaslighter’s behaviour.
Confuse you: Just when you think you’ve started to get used to the cycle of gaslighting behaviours, they will throw in compliments, show you love and compassion or praise you for something you did. This often leaves the victim feeling confused and unsure of the gaslighters true intentions.
They convince you that others are against you: Gaslighters will often tell you that others think the same way as they do; that others also think that you are ‘paranoid’ or ‘crazy’ in order to back up their claims. This can leave the victim feeling alone and alienated, unsure of who to trust and often too afraid to leave the relationship.
Make you feel worn out and trapped: Gaslighting can be an insidious process; it often begins slowly and eventually increases over time. Even people who are cautious in relationships can be impacted by gaslighting.
It is important to remember that gaslighting does not only occur in romantic relationships but can also occur with friends or family members too. By becoming more aware of the signs of gaslighting you may better be able to notice if it is happening to you and thereafter seek support on how to approach these types of relationships.